Just fell off a train. Bad.
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
