Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
She bit a glass in half.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
