so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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