Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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