The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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