Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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