I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
