Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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