I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
