There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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