2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
