I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
