if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize