Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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