i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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