Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
