I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize