He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
