I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
