If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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