I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
