Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
