I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
