I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
