i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
