You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
