Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
