Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
