May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
