I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I am midnight drunk by noon
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Randomize