when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
