Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
