somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
we're making bets on your personal life
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
