.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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