I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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