I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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