I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Dicks are not precious.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
