I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
