Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
