i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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