when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
