On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize