My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
