I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
