We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
