Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
