I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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