And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
