Im at strip club and am horny
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
