I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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