i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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