she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Its about making memories worth repressing
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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