Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Randomize
