Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
