dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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