I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
