i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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