Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
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