I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
