Moan for me like Helen Keller
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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