dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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