my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
