everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
