Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
