Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
