Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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