You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
