i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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