I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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