Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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