foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
