I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize